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The Urban dictionary defines a Tiger Mom as: A mother who is overly strict with her child in order to foster an academically competitive spirit. This form of upbringing is intended to direct a child towards financially successful careers at the potential risk of feeling emotionally unfulfilled and/or socially inept.
Maybe I wasn’t an extreme case, but I definitely had some of the Tiger Mom traits. My poor husband stood in line overnight for 2 days to register our daughter for kindergarten the district magnet school. Our children both had late summer birthdays, so we agonized over whether to hold them back or push them forward (which we did). Family vacations when our oldest was age 14-16 were spent touring college campuses. Summers were for math and writing camp as well as sports camps.
Now that both of our children have graduated from college and are gainfully employed, I’ve had a chance to reflect on the decisions we made with regard to K-12 schooling. Some were good, some were bad. Hopefully sharing our experience will be helpful to those who are novice parents as my husband and I were.
Evaluating the cost of public vs. private K-12 school, we decided that it was best to save money for college vs. K-12 private school so our kids didn’t have to take out student loans for college. One of the best decisions we made was take advantage of our fabulous FREE School District. Both of our kids attended out of state colleges, and both have said that they felt well-prepared to compete with students from other states and countries.
In selecting an elementary school, I did my research by looking at the raw test scores of selected schools, vs. the various school ranking sites which I felt were too subjective. I selected a couple of elementary schools which had high math & science scores, and that’s how we ended up at a magnet school. One of our kids started GATE (Gifted & Talented Education Program) in the first grade and the other in 3rd grade. In retrospect, I’m not sure how important that was – the curriculum wasn’t that different, but we sure thought it was important at the time! I’ve now come to realize that it was the time we spent reading to our kids, checking their homework and being involved as room parents and teacher’s helpers that made the greatest impact….Our kids called this “mom school”.
Middle school happened in the blink of an eye. Though the teachers in grades 6, 7 & 8 didn’t want moms hovering, they did want us to fundraise & serve on committees to raise money for technology & supplies, so that’s what we did. My husband & I went to parent-teacher conferences and still kept watch to make sure that homework was done. We also controlled the amount of time spent on the computer and debated over when to get the kids phones. I understand that it is now common for first graders to have phones – consider this one carefully. One other good decision we made during middle school was to have both of our painfully shy kids join Toastmasters, a public speaking club. Though neither of them were excited about Toastmasters, they both agree now that speaking in front of their peers in middle school led to confidence in presenting group projects in high school.
High school arrived, and it was all about time management. A typical school day for our kids was as follows: Awake at 6:15 and attend class from 7 am – 2 or 3 pm, athletic practice for 2 – 3 hours, then 2-3 hours of homework. Bedtime was 11 or 12 pm. Our kids were often exhausted, as were their friends. I noticed a trend however– generally the best students were also athletes or involved in other extra-curricular activities. We encouraged our kids to take IB (International Baccalaureate) and AP classes. We challenged them, and they learned how to manage their time and achieve results as teenagers. In retrospect, it would have been better if I had not tried to rescue them when they did poorly on a test or homework assignment, as this caused unnecessary drama. It would have been better to let them fail, face the consequences and figure out a better path moving forward. Tiger moms have a tough time with this one!
Testing in high school is omnipresent. The junior year was especially tough – SAT, AP, IB and ACT. We tried to be especially complimentary and understanding with our kids in their junior year. One of our kids took Princeton Review in preparation for the SAT, and one did not. They both scored about the same. Both of our kids took the SAT twice. They scored best with their first effort. The good thing about all this testing is that it did prepare them well for college. Not all college professors include homework or projects in their grading – for some classes there is just a midterm & a final. Make sure they take at least 2 years of a foreign language – many colleges require it, but students can test out of this requirement if they are minimally competent. Good AP and IB Testing scores results in college credit. Both of our kids entered college as sophomores and avoided some of the required entry level classes they didn’t want to take.
These were some of our best practices in high School:
- Keep your kids on a schedule and minimize idle time.
- Make sure they begin to learn some independent living skills such as doing their laundry, grocery shopping and cooking. (Summer is a good time to focus on this.)
- Encourage your kids to drive as soon as you can so they can be in control of their schedule and be rewarded with some freedom & responsibility.
- Let them prepare & submit their own college applications. This was an especially tough one for me!
These were some of our mistakes in high school:
- Be aware, but don’t micromanage. My kids got annoyed with me because I always wanted them to take a jacket with them in case it got cold. This was a decision they were perfectly capable of making without my input.
- Let them make some of their own decisions and don’t punish them endlessly if they make the wrong one. I had to learn how to let some things go.
- Learn how to minimize the drama. Teenagers can be moody, so give them their space.
Sometimes we got way too analytical about our kid’s mood swings when we should have just let things go. Guide but don’t micro-manage your kids on the path to adulthood, and you will raise some independent, confident and happy adults who can thrive without you.
